I can’t help but let this accident get the best of me. I just want to break down and cry everytime I’m alone. It has shaken me up so bad. Why me? I feel very fortunate to be living, but at the same time I wonder if I could have avoided this. What if I left on Thursday after my final instead? What if I didn’t stop by the bookstore to say bye to Patrick before going home? What if I drove a little slower? My family was saying I shouldn’t have been driving in the left lane, it’s for passing only. I dunno, it’s so fucking bizarre that I was driven off a highway and hit a tree. My body doesn’t even feel like mine, it hurts to move. I wish there was some way I could have avoided this. I feel like my life has been turned upside down.

People realize their dreams. They got drive to go after what they want and they achieve it, whatever means necessary. Why am I the opposite? Why do I bring myself down? What am I do afraid of? I don’t know why I’m always in this place of doubt.

Last night, I had trouble sleeping. All these thoughts kept swirling through my mind. One thing lend to another and by the end of it, they started to become unrelated to each other. This huge feeling of anxiety keeps kicking in and it won’t stop. I think I might need to go on pills or something because school hasn’t even started and I’m already feeling all jittery and shit. It all started with the thought of school starting in a week. I’m about to embark on my last year of college, MY SENIOR YEAR! Yeah, some people would be excited to be finishing this great chapter in their lives. But me? I’m not one of them. This last week home could very be the last week of freedom in my life. Who knows? Next year, I could have a salary paying job. I might have to live on my own, paying my own bills, doing things that I don’t give much thought about, such as health insurance, dental insurance, car insurance, buying a house, buying a car, etc. I don’t know, it’s quite scary. And what if I don’t have a job next year? How will I survive? I see myself always in the middle of the pack. Better off than some people, but not as great as I could be. I’m trying to update my resume, but all I can think about is what if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t really have the skills to make it in the real world? What if I got a degree in restaurant management and I’m not made to be a manager, I’m just part of the team? What if I’m stuck in a crappy job for the rest of my life? This sucks.

And then next on my list is my self confidence. I started off last school year with a shit ton of confidence. I used to be that girl in the back who people would say, oh yeah she’s cute, but also looks like a kid. I used to not care about looking tired in class, then I started wearing makeup on a daily basis and dressing a little better. I had long hair for the first time in my life. I felt so girly and I wasn’t afraid to talk to a boy, although I still suck at flirting lol. The point is, I went through a phase where I didn’t care about anything and a boy was just a thing I used as a release. And then my confidence went downhill from there. I haven’t talked to a boy in fucking forever, cuz I’m afraid to talk to them and afraid of the consequences I faced. And with guys, a lot of them only want one thing, and I’m not feeling like being someone’s one night stand anymore. And with the looks part, I don’t think I have the conventional looks a girl is supposed to have. I don’t have long hair anymore, I don’t get manicures, I’m not into tanning, blah blah blah. And on top of that, people keep asking if I’ve ever had braces. Yes, my god damn teeth are crooked, leave me the fuck alone! What’s even worse about it is that my boss even asked me about it and told me about the great power of orthodontics and said since I’m working in the hospitality industry and some people care about vanity, maybe I should check it out so people can hire me. God, isn’t that enough god damn stress in my life? And that goes back to the whole school thing, like what if I’m good enough but they don’t want to hire me because of my TEETH? And then I’ll feel inadequate, and that job could very well be the way I pay for my teeth, but I can’t get a job now, so what am I supposed to do?

There’s a lot of other things, but I know people don’t read this and I don’t want to bore anyone any further. I just need to get my shit together and in the end, things will turn out hopefully. It just may take longer than expected…

P.S. Good luck in school everyone

My life is so fucked up. I don’t get it at all. My friend is trying to push boundaries by inviting my ex friend who I did not end on good terms with and probably would strangle him if I had the chance to lunch tomorrow. Like, I can’t really say no can I? I guess I could, but am I strong enough for that? All I want is my life to go well and all this ex friend is doing is clouding my judgement. I guess he didn’t get the hint that I did not want to be friends with him. I dunno what I should do.

P.S. I got ditched by a guy. I guess he wasn’t that into me lol

I needa work on myself. Im a slacker and I have low self esteem. Im pretty much worthless. And why do I feel this way? Cuz I can’t do work and I feel as if I don’t really get attention. When I do though, I am so easily flattered that I don’t think before I do anything. When will I get my head on straight and stop believing a word a guy who’s just dtf cuz i should treat myself to utmost respect.

Stalking really does work, lol